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‘Donald Trump is the Chris Brown of politics’ – the best presidential gags

I’m sure there’s a lot of people who voted for Trump the same way a lot of people listen to the music of Chris Brown, where it’s like: “Hey man! I’m just here for the tunes, I’m just here for the tunes! I don’t know about that other stuff. I just like the dancing and the music. I don’t condone the extracurriculars.” If you think about it, Donald Trump is basically the Chris Brown of politics. And “Make America Great Again” is his “These hos ain’t loyal”.

[Trump’s win] isn’t good for anyone. What we did was the democratic equivalent of installing an above-ground pool. Even if we’re lucky and it doesn’t seep into our foundations, the neighbours will never look at us the same way again.

Once you dust for fingerprints, it’s pretty clear who ruined America: white people. I guess ruining Brooklyn was just a dry run.

How is CNN just now discovering that [Steve Bannon] is the milkshake that brings all the deplorables to the yard?

I’ve got my tickets, and I’m going to go no matter what – because I want to be there when Trump touches the Bible and his hand catches on fire.

At this point, the US should remove the Statue of Liberty or face lawsuits for false advertising.

Technically, this was not a State of the Union, because I think in this timeline the Confederacy won.

The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress.

Trump spoke with a number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico, the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him, yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much.

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama’s background. And I said: “Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He’s half jack and half ass.”

[The White House] thinks the microwave oven is filming them, but during press conferences they don’t realise they’re being broadcast on TV.

What president hasn’t had to say, “I’m not ranting and raving”? Who doesn’t remember Lincoln’s tirade at Gettysburg or FDR’s fireside meltdowns? And, of course, Reagan famously saying, “Mr Gorbachev, if you don’t tear down this fucking wall, I’m gonna lose my shit?”

Donald Trump’s inauguration ceremony is this Friday, which means Mike Pence’s is on Monday.

I’m panicking because melanin doesn’t rub off … For the past 15 years, I’ve been blamed for 9/11. White Americans are now responsible for 11/9.

Washington, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Reagan, Obama. And, now, Trump. One of these things is not like the others. And if you’re thinking it’s Obama because he’s black, you probably voted for Trump.

You realise almost every single person he’s picked for his cabinet wants to destroy the thing that they’ve been put in charge of. It’s almost like before Trump hires someone he Googles “opposite of” and just hires that person. Welcome to the Trump administration, where climate change is fake and wrestling is real.

Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on election day. Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote.

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical.

A not-insignificant percentage of this [healthcare] bill is focused on the urgent matter of what if one poor person suddenly becomes less poor. I’m honestly surprised they didn’t devote a section that covered what would happen in the event of a Freaky Friday-type situation.